Terms of Service — F.R.A.U.D.

Last Updated: January 18, 2023 • Version: 14.7 (we update frequently and without notice) • Governing Law: Whichever jurisdiction is most convenient for us at the time

1. Acceptance of Terms

By accessing this website, breathing near a device displaying this website, or being in the same room as someone who has heard of this website, you ("the User," "the Donor," "the Mark") agree to be bound by these Terms of Service. If you do not agree, please close this page immediately. Your visit has already been logged.

2. Description of Services

F.R.A.U.D. provides nonprofit fraud investigation, compliance certification, and transparency consulting services. The quality, timeliness, and existence of these services may vary. Past performance is not indicative of future results. In fact, past performance is not indicative of past performance — we're still compiling the data.

3. Donations

All donations to F.R.A.U.D. are:

Non-refundable — Once donated, funds enter our proprietary Disbursement Pipeline™ and cannot be retrieved
Non-tax-deductible — Our 501(c)(3) application has been "in review" since 2023. We check on it quarterly. They stopped returning our calls.
Non-traceable — For your protection and ours, donated funds are routed through a minimum of four jurisdictions before reaching their final destination (our operating account)
Non-directed — Donations cannot be earmarked for specific programs. All funds are allocated at the sole discretion of the CEO, usually during his "thinking time" in Bora Bora

4. Intellectual Property

All content on this website, including the F.R.A.U.D. name, logo, the phrase "All Funds Reserved," and our proprietary 47-step audit process (3 steps disclosed), is the intellectual property of F.R.A.U.D. Unauthorized use will be met with a sternly worded letter from one of our seven attorneys.

5. Limitation of Liability

F.R.A.U.D. shall not be held liable for:

Any actual fraud committed by organizations we have certified as fraud-free
The accuracy of any statement on this website (including this one)
Any financial loss resulting from taking our advice, using our services, or donating to our organization
The emotional distress caused by reading our expense reports
Any discrepancy between our stated mission and our actual activities
Acts of God, acts of Congress, or acts of our CEO (which may be indistinguishable)

6. Dispute Resolution

Any disputes arising from these Terms shall be resolved through binding arbitration conducted in the Cayman Islands, presided over by an arbiter selected by F.R.A.U.D., using rules established by F.R.A.U.D., in a conference room rented by F.R.A.U.D. The arbitration fee is $450,000 (non-refundable), payable to F.R.A.U.D.

7. Indemnification

You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless F.R.A.U.D., its officers, directors, employees, board members, subsidiaries, affiliated entities, shell companies, and Dr. Grantley's personal attorney from any claims arising from your use of this website. This indemnification survives the heat death of the universe.

8. Confidentiality

You agree to treat all interactions with F.R.A.U.D. as confidential. We, however, make no such promise. Information shared with us may appear in our annual report, our marketing materials, or casual conversation at our annual gala (open bar, $500/plate).

9. Termination

F.R.A.U.D. reserves the right to terminate your access to this website at any time, for any reason, including but not limited to: asking too many questions, requesting financial documentation, using the phrase "forensic audit," or making eye contact with our legal team.

10. Severability

If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable by a court of law, the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and effect. Given that several of these provisions are almost certainly unenforceable, this clause is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

11. Entire Agreement

These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and F.R.A.U.D. They supersede all prior agreements, representations, and understandings — including any verbal promises made by our CEO at cocktail parties, which he has no recollection of.

Note: These terms were prepared by F.R.A.U.D.'s legal department, which consists of seven attorneys retained on a $2.3M annual retainer. They have advised us that these terms are "probably fine" and "unlikely to be tested in court, because who reads these anyway."