Privacy Policy — F.R.A.U.D.

Last Updated: January 18, 2023 (72 hours after incorporation) • Effective Date: Whenever we get around to it

1. Information We Collect

The Foundation for Responsible Allocation of Undirected Disbursements ("F.R.A.U.D.," "we," "us," "the organization your attorney warned you about") collects the following information:

Your name, email address, and phone number
Your mailing address (for our holiday card list and/or subpoena delivery)
Financial information you voluntarily provide (we appreciate your candor)
Information you didn't voluntarily provide but that we found anyway
Your browsing data, IP address, device information, and general sense of unease
Whatever our third-party partners collect (we've lost track of how many there are)

2. How We Use Your Information

Your personal information may be used for the following purposes:

To process your donation (non-refundable, non-tax-deductible, non-traceable)
To add you to our mailing list (unsubscribe option available in theory)
To improve our services (specifically, our ability to collect more information)
To share with our "trusted partners" (trustworthiness not independently verified)
To benchmark against our internal database of nonprofit executives' personal finances
For "research purposes" (definition of "research" determined solely by F.R.A.U.D.)

3. Data Storage & Security

Your data is stored securely in our Cayman Islands data center. We employ industry-standard security measures, including:

A password on the main computer (it's on a sticky note on the monitor for convenience)
A lock on the server room door (key is under the mat)
An antivirus software free trial that we keep meaning to renew
A general sense of optimism that nothing bad will happen

4. Data Sharing

We do not sell your personal information. We may, however, share it freely, inadvertently, or through negligence with:

Our 47 staff members (all of whom have "need-to-know" clearance, which we define loosely)
Our subsidiary consulting firms (number of subsidiaries: classified)
Government agencies (when compelled, and sometimes when not)
Anyone who asks nicely at our annual gala

5. Cookies

Our website uses cookies. Not the digital kind — our office manager, Patricia, bakes them for the team every Tuesday. We may also use browser cookies, but we're not entirely sure. Our IT department consists of Chad Wellington IV's nephew, who "knows computers."

6. Your Rights

You have the right to:

Request access to your personal data (Est. response time: 8-14 months)
Request deletion of your personal data (request will be acknowledged and filed)
Opt out of communications (opt-out link redirects to donation page)
Lodge a complaint (complaints are stored in the same system as whistleblower tips)

7. Children's Privacy

We do not knowingly collect information from children under 13. We do, however, accept donations from trust funds established on their behalf.

8. Changes to This Policy

We reserve the right to modify this privacy policy at any time, without notice, retroactively, and in ways that may contradict previous versions. Continued use of our website constitutes acceptance of whatever we decide to do next.

9. Contact Us

If you have questions about this privacy policy, please contact our Data Protection Officer at contact@fraud.ngo. Please note that this role is currently unfilled, but your inquiry will be stored securely in our Cayman Islands data center.

Disclaimer: This privacy policy was drafted by our Head of Regulatory Optics, Brenda Compliance, and reviewed by no one. It is compliant with F.R.A.U.D.'s internal standards, which are also written by Brenda Compliance. Any resemblance to actual legal documents is coincidental.